my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
