we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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