Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
