Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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