My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
