Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
