she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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