Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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