Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Bring me that man meat
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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