Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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