dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
