Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
