I wish I could punch you in the face.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
