nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
