someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
