i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
