My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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