I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
