dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
