i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
