The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
