All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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