Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You pole danced in your parka.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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