I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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