I faked an abortion last night.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
