The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
