Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
