I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
