why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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