my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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