fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
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I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
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