he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
