I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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