I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
