The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
