alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
