If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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