My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
