My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
We smell like vodka and hangover
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