I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
