Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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