There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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