I have demons in me.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
