Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
