FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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