Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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