Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
