Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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