in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
