I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
