I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
